Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Nothing but time

I am off work today; I have so much to do and can't seem to get motivated to do anything. It is a chore just to breathe. My grief has crippled me. When my mother was alive, and I was taking care of her, my days off were filled with doctor visits, my mother's laughter, her voice, her smell, her touch. All of that is gone now, there is only me. I don't need a doctor, I do not laugh, I rarely speak, I cry.
For some, friends are enough to take the edge off loneliness. I care not for their company, it just irritates me.
My whole life comes down to this: It was always us and we, mum is gone, and I have to learn to be me and I. This is the hardest thing I will ever do. She was my best friend.
I was a half-way decent person when it was us. I no longer feel the need to try to please anyone; this is me.
Everyone tells me time will heal. Obviously, they didn't have the same relationship with their mothers as I had. We used to tell each other that united we stand, divided we fall. I fell when she died, and I can't seem to get off my knees and lift myself up.

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