Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The long nights

Bedtime, the most trying time of the night. I still say goodnight to her hoping that I will hear her reply. I still don't sleep, well, maybe an hour or two at a time, but never good sleep. As I wash my face, I can see the stress in every inch of my appearance. My eyes look blank, deep dark circles have taken up permanent residence. I always wonder if there will ever be a glimmer of hope left in me waiting to emerge. I doubt it.
I will once again wake up tomorrow hoping that this was all a bad dream; she will be in her room waiting for me to dress her. I still keep both phones by my bed in case the hospital calls telling me they made a horrible mistake, and she is alive and well. Even though I was there with her when she died, I felt the last beat of her heart, I heard her last breath; I still keep the phones near me.
Have I thought about suicide, everyday. However, I cannot justify leaving pets behind with no one to take care of them.
I was even hoping that I would see her ghost. The only ghost in this house is me.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum to cancer nearly four years ago. It changes everything. Don't give up - your mum is in your heart. Think about what she would say to you if she could. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself as much time as you can. I still miss my mum and think about her every day, and today was hugging the fleece that she used to wear whilst gardening. Life ends and life carries on. Take care xxx